It is one of those songs that any time I hear it I am always moved. It is one of those songs that speaks to my soul. Reaches deep within my heart. I have blogged about this song before here. I Lay Me Down by Darrell Evans,and this week Sarah Morton came to sit next to me after leading worship and I leaned over and asked her the name of the song, to which she laughs and says, you always ask me that after we sing this song.
This Sunday as we were singing the “second page” one of the lines of the song seemed to jump out at me, At the foot of the cross I lay down my crown.
Usually when I think of a crown I think of the Crown Jewels or a crown to signify royalty. I visualize laying down my crown that states I am lord of my life, the crown that says “God, I don’t really need you, cause I am powerful enough to rule myself”. The crown that I wear because I don’t need anyone to sit on the throne of my life, I ‘got this’.
The crown that is dripping with all the jewels of all the “good” things I have done, all things I have accomplished, all the things I can and have taken care of, the crown that states I am queen of my life and therefore will rule and reign as I see fit.
I lay that crown down ALL. THE. TIME. It is so easy to pick back up and put back on. The crown fits so well, seems like it belongs on my head. Following Christ has taught me, that the crown, may fit my head, but it will strangle my heart. With it on, I lose my true purpose and passion for life. With it on, I lose the freedom that comes from knowing that THE Alpha and Omega is directing my path and that HE works ALL things for good!
This Sunday, I had another image of a crown, a crown of thorns. Truth be told, the crown of thorns that I wore for so many years, that crown, was way harder to lay down. That crown of thorns I had earned, I was entitled to, I deserved it, it was given to me, it was mine to bear. I would lay down my crown of royalty, but would hold firm to my crown of thorns. I would wake up in the morning and make sure it was firmly pulled down upon my head. It’s thorns wrapping around and piercing my heart, piercing my ability to fully love and to experience joy. Each thorn representing a way I had been wronged, hurt and damaged throughout my child hood and young adult years. The thorns represent abuse, rejections, anger, un-forgiveness, pain, offense, loss, grief, and loneliness. And I refused to lay it down. The Father whispered freedom to my heart, I would lay down the crown of royalty, and keep my crown of thorns. But HE is a good, and patient and loving Father. HE will NOT take what we won’t freely give. HE continued to love, continued to offer peace, and continued to whisper freedom. One day I truly heard His whisper of freedom and for the first time recognized the crown of thorns pulled firmly upon my head. I realized that while I reasoned that the crown of thorns had been “done to me”, “forced upon me”, “it’s not my fault, I was just a child”, “they did this TO me” “I wish I could but..”, “nobody has ever apologized or made amends with me”, “if my life had been different, then..”, I realized, that while all those statements were true, the crown of thorns is always MY CHOICE. I can lay it down. And I am not just laying it down anywhere, I get to lay it down at the foot of the cross. I get to lay it down and pick up freedom. I get to lay down all those thorns and pick up healing and joy and peace and forgiveness and love and life, a life fully engaged, a life full of purpose and passion! My past had created that crown of thorns, but it is MY CHOICE to bring it to my present. My Savior, THE ALPHA AND OMEGA, says I can give Him those things and HE will give me freedom…
And can I just tell you, that is a trade worth making, not one day or one single moment do I ever wish I had that crown of thorns back. They are not mine, they have been bought and they have been redeemed! Freedom is now the song of my heart!